Friday, November 17, 2017

Something for Nothing

Something I do well?  I spend money.  I don't even need an occasion.  If I see something I want, I buy it. 

Last night, Jade was telling me about ebates -- a website that gives you cash back for shopping through their site.  Then she mentions that Amazon is on ebates with a 6% cash return!  Are you kidding me?!  I drop thousands on Amazon every year!  I'm trying not to grind my teeth over the cash back opportunities I have missed. 

Anyway, I signed up for ebates.  You shop at places you already love, but now you get cash in your pocket.  Macy's: 3%.  Ebates hotels: 7%.  They have over 2,000 online stores, broken down by category and name.  Just click and shop.

Christmas is coming!

They gave me a referral code, which is linked below, and I wanted to share it.  Sign up and you'll get $10 (once you're in, you can refer people to sign up and get even more cash).  Pretty sweet, huh. 

Happy shopping!

Lori's ebates referral code!

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Watercolors Shampoo and Conditioner

I learned quickly when I first went red five or six years ago that red washes out of your hair FAST.  For a long time I rocked a "black cherry" wine red.  I used Tressa Watercolors shampoo to help keep the red in a little longer.  Sure, it looked like I murdered someone in my shower, but the red didn't fade as quickly (and it washes down so it never stained my shower or hands).  I tried to go blonde again and it just never worked with my pale skin tone, so I went back to red almost two years ago.  I started having my stylist add more and more purple -- first because I like purple and second because I had hoped it wouldn't fade as quickly as red.  While it does still fade a bit, I went looking for Tressa Watercolors again to see if they had something to help.  They do have a violet shampoo (which is technically to help keep blonde hair bright), but I find it helps keep my purple hair from fading as quickly too.  They also have a clear conditioner.  It is all sulfate-free, which is better for our hair anyway!

Tressa Watercolors violet shampoo:

Tressa Watercolors red shampoo:

Tressa clear conditioner:

Purple and a snapchat filter :)


Monday, November 13, 2017

Remember that backless, strapless sticky bra?

A few months ago, I saw a Facebook video of a girl with large breasts using the backless, strapless sticky bra.  I saw the infamous Nelly the Uncensored Reviewer's video as well.  So I bought one and did my own review (the video got quite a few views...I guess people love boobs!).  Check it out below.  I am wearing it under the bathing suit in this photo. 

If you want to try it out, the Amazon link is below the video. 


Thursday, November 9, 2017

That bathing suit I wore...

I get requests all the time for information on the bandage bathing suit I wore for the Las Vegas photoshoot with LockBox Studios and the Twirl for a Cause performance in September.  I figured the best way to link it was to write about it here!

It is a $17 bathing suit on Amazon.  No joke.  I believe it goes up to XL (I am a size 16 and I felt like it was comfortable, so an 18 should easily be able to wear it).  I am a little over 5'10" and weigh 225 pounds.   I am also linking a video of me performing in it so you can see how well it stayed in place (forgive me...I can't walk in shoes so this isn't my best performance). 

Happy shopping!


Monday, November 6, 2017

Everything Happens For A Reason

I've noticed as I spend more time becoming aware of the synchronicities in my life -- how things are connected, coincidences, and how a single moment in time can lead me down a new path -- it seems everything does happen for a reason.  I've seen some pretty nasty fights go down on Facebook over this statement.  No, it doesn't mean that if bad things happen, it's because you're a bad person, or even if good things happen, you're a good person.  Bad shit happens to everyone, and horrible people do sometimes win.  No, you didn't do anything to "deserve" losing your loved one long before their time should have been up.  And no, that guy isn't so awesome that he "deserved" to win the lottery and become a millionaire.  For me, it's more about seeing the connection between my attitude and what it brings into my life. 

Let's take this morning, for instance.  I woke up to a nail in my tire.  Luckily, I was leaving for work early and it was drivable.  I took it to a tire shop where they were able to give me two new tires in about 30 minutes.  Did I want to spend the $500 on new tires?  Not really, especially considering my recently-changed financial situation.  But was I able to pay for them without seriously causing pain to my wallet?  Yes, I was, and I was grateful for that.  I got to work about 45 minutes late.  I found out our card readers weren't working properly, and no one was actually able to get into the building until about 15 minutes after my normal start time.  That means, I technically didn't lose that much work time this morning.  Obviously, this isn't a life-changing incident, but of all the days to have to get to work late, sounds like this was the one. 

Last month, my roommate of two and a half years gave notice, saying he would be moving back to Italy.  An acquaintance asked if I would consider letting him move in instead of placing an ad for a new roommate.  I said yes.  The roommate tried to take back his notice, and I told him I had a replacement so he would have to leave.  With about a week to go before the end of the month, the replacement backed out, leaving me with very little time to find a new replacement, and the current roommate had already found a place to stay until he moved.  I panicked for a minute, then I decided I would be fine.  I took a hard look at my budget and decided I could make it work without a roommate.  I had placed an ad on Craigslist, but decided I wouldn't worry if I didn't get any good potentials.  Then I spent a few days alone in my roommate-free house, and I remembered how much I disliked living with strangers.  I decided I would not be replacing my roommate.  For probably the first time in the entire seven and a half years I've lived in this place, I actually enjoy coming home (before this roommate, I had a really terrible college student for a year; and before that, I lived there with my ex-boyfriend -- before that, I hadn't lived with a roommate since my early 20's).  Even though the replacement flaking at the last minute stressed me out, had he not said he wanted to move in, I may have caved when the roommate asked to cancel his notice, and I would still be sitting here (either with the current roommate or with the replacement), not really enjoying the space in which I spend a good portion of my life.  Everything happens for a reason.

Last weekend, my friend came over to give me some decorating advice.  She thought I should move my bed to a different wall.  Last night, I decided to do that.  That bed has been in the same place for seven years.  Apparently someone spilled something behind one of the night stands.  The wall and carpet were destroyed.  The paint was peeling, there was some mold, and the sheetrock had eroded away.  Everything was dry, though, and I haven't spent much time on that side of the bed since my ex moved out about four years ago, so I have to assume this happened a long time ago and I've just been breathing in those mold spores for years.  I spent last night scraping mold, bleaching, drying, and spackling the hole in the wall.  So, had we not discussed redecorating, my bed would still be sitting in the same spot, and I would have no clue that there was a portal to another dimension in my wall.

Almost three years ago, a former co-worker sent me a job ad.  I wasn't job hunting, so I immediately forwarded it to another friend who was potentially looking for work.  She called me and said that another friend we had in common (someone I went to high school with, had worked with in a law firm, and had lost touch with), was the one leaving the position (for another position in the organization) and was waiting for my resume.  I said I wasn't looking for work but wanted her to apply for the position.  She encouraged me to reconsider.  So I threw my hat in the ring.  That led to me being hired for the best job I've had in my entire life.  Over two and a half years after starting this position, I still enjoy coming to work.  I love the people.  I find the work interesting.  Even though I wasn't job hunting, this job fell into my lap for a reason.  It got me out of stressful litigation work (which I had done for 20 years, and didn't realize you didn't have to work a job where it was a nightly occurrence to wake up with a start thinking you forgot to do something), and into a job where I feel like I am actually making a difference and helping people. 

My last story will be a little bit more of an interesting path my life has followed.  The person I dated most recently lives a couple of hours away from me.  But for how we met, there probably would never have been a reason for our paths to cross.  We met "randomly" last May.  He was the pilot on one of the activities on the adventure pass Jade bought for us.  I knew Jade from the pole dance world.  We met about seven years ago on a pole dance website, and I introduced her to Twirly Girls.  We were at a Twirly Girls event a couple of years ago and we started talking more often and bonded.  I had gone through a break up with my ex and was navigating the ridiculous world of online dating apps.  I essentially hadn't been single in over a decade and she became my dating guru.  The reason I found Twirly Girls was because an old high school friend had received an email about the studio opening in Pleasanton and a group of five or six of us made an appointment to take a class in December 2009.  Everyone but Rita flaked.  Rita and I have now been Twirly Girls for almost eight years.  The reason I reconnected with that old high school friend was because she was having weight loss surgery and someone suggested me as a good resource for information, so she found me on Facebook and asked if we could meet to discuss my experience.  (On a side note, she was also indirectly the reason I ended up meeting the ex I spent six years with.)  So, quite literally, had I not been fat, had gastric bypass surgery, and ultimately found Twirly Girls and Jade, it's possible I would not have ever met the person I dated the last year and a half.  I know that will be a stretch for some of you, but I still think it is an interesting quick look at how things happen in our lives, which shape who we are, and send us in new directions.  Everything happens for a reason. 

The best thing I can do is choose to see the things that happen, and the people I meet, as lessons that help me grow and become a better person.  I can very easily get bogged down in negativity and "why me" syndrome.  Instead, I find it easier to deal with difficult times by finding the lesson, staying positive and not letting myself spiral into depression.

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Operation Upside Down: Month 4

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did it.  I went upside down.  By myself.  Before we get there, check out my month three update HERE.  And now...rejoice...Even if it's a pretty sloppy attempt, that looks like upside down to me!


So I had another light month.  I went to San Luis Obispo and Disneyland last month and had a work event, so I missed a couple of classes, but I am still progressing.  Check out some other highlights from October below.

October 5:

October 9:

October 12:

October 30:

I'm pretty pleased with my progress.  I will have to take a lyra break in November as I have an appointment on Mondays all month after work.  But I will try to step up my yoga and pilates reformer at home to keep myself from losing any strength.  I also need to drag my lazy butt up to start doing squats again in the mornings.  I have no booty! 

See you next month! 

Thursday, October 26, 2017

A Unicorn's Journey Toward Enlightenment

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a R E A L L Y long blog about the Rebel & Muse yoga retreat I attended (you can read that HERE).  I feel like my posts in general lately have been following a new path.  I wanted to talk about my journey and how I ended up where I am today.

I feel like I didn't wake up until I was probably 38 years old -- about three years ago.  I hadn't taken great care of my body, mind or spirit for most of my life, and it was time to start making myself a priority. 

In 2004, I weighed almost 350 pounds and had gastric bypass to lose weight.  Although I got down to 180 pounds, I ended up with a lot of health issues related to mal-absorption.  I also never learned how to deal with my un-diagnosed eating disorder, and losing my ability to self-medicate with food pushed me into a very bad place.  I started taking anti-depressants, started gaining weight, and felt like I was essentially un-doing the surgery.  I started the yo-yo weight loss/gain again.  Up to 220 pounds.  Down to 200.  Back up.  Back down.  The pendulum was really starting to swing.

In 2014, I started working with Ellen on my health issues (my first blog about it can be found HERE).  Working with Ellen has been life changing because she understood my issues (even if she has been frustrated by my snail's pace).  I do have disordered eating issues.  I can't just cut every "bad" food out of my life at once.  It would trigger a binge that would have me gaining weight at a ridiculous rate.  She has been extremely patient and has helped me significantly cut the amount of sugar I ingest, and convinced me to go gluten-free earlier this year to help with my psoriasis (you can read that HERE).  I have gone from 263 pounds (in 2013) to 226 pounds today (I haven't been this weight since 2009).  Although the goal was never to lose weight (it was always about bettering my health), the weight just came off as I made healthier choices.  I also stopped guilting and shaming myself when I made "bad" choices, or for how my body looked (and tried to stop assigning "good" or "bad" descriptions to food in general).  Honestly, that is probably equally as responsible for helping me lose weight as eating better foods.  I never "dieted" or restricted calories.  I never felt hungry.  I just existed, ate higher quality food, and increased my "good fat" intake.  I also take the supplements that Ellen suggested.  I have never felt better.  Step one.

Step two.  I had a bit of a spiritual awakening in probably 2015.  I grew up in a religious household and am not a fan of organized religion.  I have always been open to spirituality, but didn't embrace it until more recently -- as I figured out how to separate spirituality from man-made religion.  I choose to believe that we are all connected in the Universe.  And I believe we get back what we put out into the Universe.  If I am stressing and angry and negative, I feel like I get more negativity back.  But if I use positive thinking, mindfulness, meditation, journaling, yoga, being aware of (and dealing with) my feelings as they happen (instead of stuffing them), I am better able to handle more difficult times.  Jade has been a huge help in this department.  She has helped me keep my shit together (or held my hand as I lost my shit for a period of time) on more occasions than I can count.  I will forever be grateful for her friendship and her love (and her patience, because, honestly, I would have punched me in the face a long time ago). 

Is that a unicorn horn in your pants or are you just happy to see me?!
I make a huge effort every day to wake up and list the things for which I am grateful.  My family.  My friends.  My health.  A fun job.  A place to live.  Food on the table.  Adventures.  All the basics, but really I spend the most time appreciating the blessings in my life -- the awesome people.  I also end each evening this way.  I journal as well.  Sometimes I talk about good things.  Sometimes I talk about frustrations.  I actually have two journals going now.  One is my general go-to journal.  The other is my 108 Day Rituals for Transformation.  I love this journal because it has a theme for the day.  You read it, meditate on it, write an affirmation for the day (which I enter into my calendar on my phone with reminders a few times that day), then you have two journaling sections: one for the morning and the other for the evening (encouraging you to show gratitude for what you learned that day).  I am about half way through and I feel like it truly helps me start (and end) each day right. 

In relationships, I have been a serial monogamist.  I spent six years with someone in my late teens to early 20's.  I spent four and a half years with someone in my late 20's to early 30's.  I then spent six years of my 30's with my third long term boyfriend.  Never once was marriage even a consideration with any of these men.  Each of them was (obviously) the wrong person and there were red flags early on that I ignored.  I could spend time being upset that I "wasted" time with them, but I find it easier to see the lessons I learned and applied to my next relationship.  I have certainly grown with each one.  I can  honestly say that I woke up and the almost year and a half that I spent in my last "relationship" was the happiest and most rewarding, even if he still wasn't "the one."  It actually probably taught me the most of any of my previous relationships -- not just about what I don't want in a relationship, but what I do want.  And that's because I truly allowed myself to feel.  I spent a lot of years stuffing my feelings with food or shopping or other addictions.  I could allow myself to feel anger, but that was about it.  I feel like recognizing what I need out of a relationship, and what I have to offer as a partner, setting boundaries and speaking up about my expectations was step three in my transformation. 

One of my recent journal prompts talked about accepting that we are all perfect.  Ugh.  I have spent so much time telling myself we aren't perfect and that's ok!  No one is perfect.  Life isn't perfect.  But what if that's how it's all supposed to go, which does make it perfect.  Perfectly imperfect if that will help me accept it. 

I'm really in a good place right now.  The pieces of the puzzle are snapping together and, although my puzzle is still being solved, the clues are more clear and I'm finding my pieces faster.  I want to thank everyone who has been part of my journey.  I truly understand now that life IS a journey.  I know it seems so cliche, but it's so true.  I can only move forward from here, there is no reason to move backwards, and I am extremely excited about what the future holds for me.  And you.  We are all in this together. 

Some photos throughout my life (the making of a Unicorn):

1977 - forever a nudist

Approx. 1986

Approx. 1994

Approx. 2003






















Monday, October 9, 2017

Rebel & Muse Yoga Retreat: The Enlightened Unicorn Transformation

The tree swing at Sagrada
Before we get started, make sure you have coffee (or water) in hand.  I have 12 pages of handwritten notes about my experience this weekend, so this is going to be a long post (and those are just my notes about this particular journal entries span many more pages).  Realistically, I probably should have made this into six blog posts, but I am so excited to get it all out, that I'm just going to type it up and let you decide how much you want to read. 

This weekend, I attended the Rebel & Muse yoga retreat at Sagrada Wellness in the San Luis Obispo area (my first EVER yoga retreat).  (And, I could write a whole blog post on how amazing Sagrada was.)  It was hosted by Melanie and Kaleo Wassman of Yoga Oceanside.  Before I even get to the events of the weekend, I need to rewind a little bit.  This is a bit of, "wow, what a small world" (or a "thank you, Universe, you always know what you're doing!") that can't be ignored. 

In 2003/2004, I attended a Slightly Stoopid concert in San Francisco with my long-time friends, Vanessa and Rachelle.  One of the opening acts was a band called Pepper -- three boys from Hawaii, who have come to the mainland to rock out.  My interest was immediately piqued, as I had a history with my friends, Sunburn, five boys from Hawaii (different island) who came to the mainland around the same time (1999/2000) to rock out.  I was hooked immediately.  I certainly enjoy a good mellow stoner band, but Pepper's energy and stage presence were indescribable.  I was an instant fan, and for the past 13-14 years, I have gone to see Pepper in concert a couple of times each year.  Over the years, I have separately run into each of the three members backstage or wandering big festival shows, and each really does seem to embody the island way of thinking.  They were always extremely kind to me. 

The most amazing gift bags ever!
I have been doing yoga for about 20 years.  I started in a women's only gym when I was 21.  It was purely another class to add to my growing list of things I forced myself to do to lose weight.  For years, I never cared about the spirituality of it, or even fully connected my breath with the moves.  I certainly didn't consider it a practice.  I did the moves I was told to do and I breathed if the move forced me to or if I was told to breathe.  That was it.  In more recent times, I have learned that studio yoga is a million times better than gym yoga.  But studio yoga is expensive and when you have a gym membership, it can sometimes be hard to justify the expense of a second yoga studio membership. 

Four or five years ago, I struck gold.  I joined the brand new big Walnut Creek 24 Hour Fitness and met Theresa.  I don't know what it was about her.  I liked that she made jokes during class ("turn towards the door you'd like to run out of") but she also infused positivity into class.  She made it spiritual without completely freaking out the gym rats who couldn't possibly understand there is a difference between gym yoga and studio yoga.  I liked her flow and her presence.  A few years ago, I was packing up after class, and I vaguely heard Theresa mention the band, Pepper.  I ran over and immediately fan-girl screamed: "That's my favorite band in the whole wide world!!!"  Turns out that Theresa trained with Melanie, Kaleo's wife, and had stayed at their home many times.  Oh yeah, Kaleo is the guitarist of Pepper.  What a small world!  I was so excited.  So we'd chat on occasion about the band, and about the shows when they came to town. 

This unicorn likes tequila
In 2015, I got a pass to meet Pepper backstage before the Sublime with Rome show in Concord.  The guys were all super nice and gracious.  They chatted and took photos with us (I laid around on the ground with Yesod's bulldog while she licked me in the face).  But I just didn't find the right opening to mention to Kaleo that I knew Theresa.  My second opportunity came in 2016.  I was in Vegas for Pole Expo at the Hard Rock and guess who was playing a show at the pool while I was there?!  PEPPER!  I almost lost my mind.  The guys did a meet and greet at the tattoo shop right down the hallway from my tower, so I decided to go down and say hello.  I was one of the last people in line and almost had to talk my way in.  I went down the line as the guys signed my poster and I mentioned to Kaleo that I knew Theresa.  His eyes lit up immediately.  We briefly chatted and he told me about Rebel & Muse -- and the yoga retreat that was happening about three weeks from then.  He said he thought there was one spot left.  I went home and looked into the retreat.  There was indeed a spot left.  I had a hard time justifying spending that much money for the retreat when I had dropped thousands on that Vegas trip.  So I told myself I'd check again in a week or two and, if the spot was still available, I'd consider it "meant to be" and I'd go.  When I checked again, it was sold out.  The Universe had spoken.

In retrospect, I'm glad I didn't get into the retreat last year.  Although I think I was beginning my transformation period, I wasn't fully ready for the intensity of the emotions that came out of me at the retreat.  I think if I had made it last year, I may have been scared off from the work I needed to do -- which I have been doing over the last year.  I kept my eye on the website and as soon as I saw the retreat was open for 2017, I signed up. 

Our yoga space
A couple of months ago, I also started listening to the Rebel & Muse podcast.  It was a nice appetizer before the retreat because it helped me get to know a little bit about Kaleo and Melanie.  I love them as a couple.  Their respect for themselves and each other is so beautiful -- and it comes out in their podcast.  It also helped me see Kaleo as a person.  I'm not trying to lie to you -- we can't gloss over the fact that this is an extremely handsome man who is the guitar player in my FAVORITE BAND IN THE WORLD.  Had I not had the pre-introduction, I feel like I may have embarrassed myself being a fan-girl (and I probably did anyway but everyone was kind enough not to point it out). 

The last year -- and especially in the last few months -- I really have been on a new path.  I have been reading a lot of books about generally making my life better.  I love Brene Brown.  In one of her books, she specifically states that gratitude is what helps create a joyful life.  Before I even read that book, I had named my 41st year my Year of Joy.  I've been putting photos in an album on Facebook to remind myself of all of the great things I have going in my life.  I also start each morning and end each evening recounting the things for which I am grateful.  Another step in creating a joyful life is self-love.  I struggle with this one sometimes.  On this blog (and the corresponding Facebook page), I constantly preach loving your body and yourself.  Have confidence!  Be yourself!  But it all felt like a lie.  I can talk the talk but I don't walk the walk.  Deep down, I didn't love myself.  And how can I be complete or expect someone else to love me if I don't? 

On the way to the retreat, I finished an audiobook, "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl."  I had actually stopped listening to self-help books recently because I feel like they all just point out how fucked up I am and they don't offer any real ways to help fix me.  This book was in my queue and I had been ignoring it and I suddenly decided it was time to give it a listen.  I feel like it was kind of the final nail in the coffin of old-Lori.  Only-half-enlightened-Lori.  There's a great line about not accepting crumbs and convincing yourself they are loaves.  I am worthy.  I do deserve better.  And I am a whole and complete person, just the way I am now.  I got out of the car feeling like I had truly turned the corner on this transformation period. 

The girls' room
I didn't know what to expect at this retreat.  I knew there would be yoga and there would be journaling.  That's it.  And what kind of yoga?!  Is everyone going to be doing headstands and pulling their legs behind their heads?  I may be a 20 year yoga veteran, but I'm not super flexible, and I'm still working on gaining strength.  When I arrived, I was greeted by Melanie, Kaleo and Tracy, another retreat member.  They were so warm and welcoming.  I was given a tour around the property and we took my things upstairs to the "girls' room."  I actually immediately recognized the building as something I had dreamed of about a week before the retreat.  The outside of the building was the same -- green and two-story, although in my dream, the inside was set up more like a hotel.  It was pretty cool.  I felt instantly at home. 

As people arrived, it became clear that pretty much everyone knew each other.  So then I worried I would feel out of place, like I was crashing a party.  And it wasn't like that at all.  I never felt left out.  There were four couples (three of which were celebrating their anniversaries) and three single girls.  Everyone was so kind and open.  I felt like I was hanging out with old friends.  I especially enjoyed watching all of the couples model loving relationships.  I also appreciated that everyone was so open to hugging each other.  We all could use a little more appropriate touch in our lives.  I feel like often when men who aren't family members hug or touch me, it is in a sexual way (whether welcomed by me or not).  Here, everyone could hug each other, or put a hand on your shoulder to reassure you, or rub your back to comfort you and there was zero sexual connotation.  It was a bunch of people offering healing touch as a gift with nothing expected in return.  Later in the evening, we had our first yoga class.  I sweat like a pig, but I felt like I totally nailed it.  It helps that my instructor was trained by Melanie, so their styles are very similar and I never felt lost.  I judge my yoga classes by how often I can close my eyes or stare straight ahead and zone out.  I hate having to stare at a teacher whose cues I completely don't understand.  Later, we all ate dinner together, and then we were given journaling prompts.  The evening group session was a little intense for me, and I let myself be vulnerable and cry in front of strangers (the horror!!!), but everyone was so supportive and sweet.  I am realizing we need to let ourselves feel all the feels rather than stuffing them down.  Also, I need to accept that, without hard times, I would never appreciate the good times.  Crying isn't a bad thing.  The group sessions were very powerful. And, the entire weekend was, in fact, filled with yoga and journaling.  It was also clear the theme of the retreat was completely in line with my life: let go and love yourself.

Morning hike
One of the things I decided to try while I was there was to be present in each moment.  I often spend so much time at events taking photos and videos that I don't necessarily enjoy myself.  And what am I trying to do?  Remind myself later of the amazing time I should be having right now?  Make you jealous that you missed it?  Well, in the process of trying to keep everyone else in the loop of my life, *I* am missing out.  (HERE is my recent post about being busy and FOYMO.)  So, although I did have my phone in hand during certain times for photos, I left it in my room more often than not.  And if I started to feel antsy that I wished I had it to take a photo or video of something, I just journaled about it instead. 

Saturday morning, I got up early and hiked straight up a crazy hill to watch the sunrise.  Initially, when we arrived at the top, I was bummed because a hill was blocking my view of the actual rise.  But then I turned around and realized that all of the gorgeous colors of the sky (and a view of the still-present full moon) was fucking amazing.  It made me wonder how many times I had my eyes on a prize in front of me, when what I really needed was right behind me -- I just never turned around to notice. 

Saturday afternoon, I had acupuncture for the first time.  I didn't have anything extremely specific that I wanted to address, but I told her about some of the emotional stuff I've been dealing with lately.  She decided to help me release some of that.  She placed the needles and asked if I could feel anything.  I kind of felt something near my ears but nothing too exciting.  She left me to relax for half an hour or so.  I started to fall into that pre-sleep phase.  I was aware of the music and the temperature in the room but my mind was blank.  Suddenly, I felt like I was going to throw up.  I didn't want to sit up or move because I didn't want to knock any needles out of place.  So I kind of lifted my head a tiny bit and swallowed it down.  I fell back into that relaxed state again fairly quickly.  A little bit later, I became aware of my surroundings again.  My entire body felt like it was buzzing and it felt like there were kaleidoscopes spinning inside of me.  It was a really intense and interesting experience.  I left feeling more open.  Another step down the path of enlightenment.   

Saturday evening, we had a jam session.  Musical instruments, singing, dancing.  Old-me would have felt silly participating.  I can't sing in tune to save my life.  I can barely keep a beat, so playing an instrument is comical.  And I know I can't really dance that well.  So, I was worried I would not fit in during this portion of the event.  Well, guess what?  I played some of the instruments, sang, and danced.  Never once did I have any fucks to give about how silly I potentially looked.  And no one else cared either.  Because we were all too busy laughing and enjoying ourselves.  It was freeing. 

One of my three journals for the weekend
I was journaling about this experience before we left on Sunday.  Initially, I felt like this retreat was the exclamation point on my transformation.  As if the transformation was complete and I was suddenly going to live this perfectly enlightened life.  However, since we all know life is a journey and not a destination, I feel like the semi-colon is actually a better choice of punctuation (the semi-colon is often used by survivors of suicide to show that their story isn't over).  My story isn't over.  This retreat did help me feel like I have fully stepped into my power, but my journey continues.  I wrote in my journal: "I had a fucking fantastic weekend at this retreat; and I will take the things I learned to help me have a fantastic life continuing on."  We must all continue to grow and learn -- otherwise, we will become stagnant and die. 

I told this story during a group session.  I truly grasped the meaning of the whole "life is a journey, not a destination" thing when I visited Maui in 2010.  People suggested we do the Road to Hana.  I didn't do a ton of research, so I just figured out where we needed to go, heard we needed a couple of hours to get there, and away we went.  I was traveling with my ex and he is legally blind, so he couldn't really see the views well.  He also gets car sick so I was mostly rushing on this windy road to get to Hana.  We made it and were extremely unimpressed with what was there.  Why is this place special?  (No offense, people of Hana!!)  It's a little town.  There's some water.  What I then learned is that the ROAD to Hana *is* the attraction.  We should have been stopping to go see beaches and take little hikes.  Hana is not the reason you take the Road to Hana.  So we completely missed the point and spent a day just driving, when we should have been exploring and going on adventures. 

Here's what I feel like I have learned over the last year: I am not broken; I just have some things I'd like to change.  I feel like I am finally in sync with the message I put out on this Confessions page.  I have been preaching self-love, confidence, and body acceptance for almost eight years.  Well, now it is finally time for me to believe it for myself.  I am worthy.  I am complete.  I am whole.  I am enough.  Just as I am.  Right here.  Today.  Tomorrow.  And for the rest of my life. 

Thoughts become things.  So be careful about the thoughts you allow to creep around in the back of your mind.  You may not realize it, but those are the limiting beliefs that are holding you back. 

I will no longer stuff feelings by using food, alcohol, shopping, sex or over-scheduling (okay, that last one might take awhile to really get down).  I will forgive people for not being what I expected them to be.  It generally is my expectations that cause my disappointments, rather than the other person's actions.  I will then forgive myself for putting those expectations on others.  I truly believe that, with some exceptions, most people are doing the best they can with the tools they have.  There's a quote about holding a grudge that I love.  It is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.  I'm not going to drink the poison anymore. 

The gorgeous sky at sunrise
I feel like I have been spending a lot of time trying to figure out my life purpose over the last couple of years.  Although I feel like I am supposed to be part of the body acceptance movement, I also recently trained to be a hospice volunteer.  I truly believe that it is part of my journey to help people at the end of their time on this earth.  I actively (albeit unconsciously) started this journey a few years ago when I started working with Ellen and taking ownership of my health by choosing healthy foods and supplements.  Separating spirituality from religion (based on my upbringing) has also been key to finding that connection.   It feels like the final puzzle pieces in figuring out that whole Mind-Body-Spirit connection have now come together.

So, all weekend, I kind of broke myself down, trying to release those final bits of whatever has been holding me back.  On Sunday morning, Kaleo led a yoga class to the soundtrack of Bob Marley's album, Uprising.  The album cover is Bob coming out of a volcano with his fists extended in the air.  Pure exaltation.  It was the perfect way to build myself back up after letting all of the other crap go.

I have so much more to write but I feel like this is already too long.  I will organize these notes and put a Part 2 together soon. 

Thank you to Melanie and Kaleo for creating a safe space for all of us this weekend, and for intuitively knowing exactly what each of us needed.  Thank you for being part of my journey and helping me transform into a more enlightened unicorn.  Time is valuable, and I truly consider it a gift when people bless me with their time.  I am so grateful for the experiences I had this weekend, and for the people who shared it with me.  We all agreed that the right people are called to appear at the times they are needed, so each of us had something to share that someone else there needed to hear this weekend.  Being grateful is a practice.  It is easy to share memes on Facebook, and it's a good start, but making gratitude part of your daily practice helps keep your thoughts and actions in line with your core values. 


Bitches.  ;-)  (I'm still me, even if I am a little more zen.)

P.S.  Just for fun.  In 2008, I was side stage during a Pepper show at X-Fest in Modesto.  My ex grabbed Kaleo as he left the stage.  He was very gracious, although he was clearly tired, hot and sweaty from playing outside in the heat, and we took a photo.  Nine years later, we recreated the photo. 

From the meet and greet at Concord Pavilion in 2015:


From the meet and greet at Hard Rock Las Vegas in 2016: